Aaaaah!

Contributor: Speak Coffee



Now even commercials are out to make me feel like shit.

Bitch of the Week: ticking clock

Contributor: Speak Coffee

Ticking clock, ticking clock, ticking clock.

Actually, it's the rhythmic ticking of the expanding heating duct above my head. But it's varied creakings and thumpings only feed my anxiety by building up the pressure then slowing down until I find I'm holding my breath, not letting it out until a certain number of ticks have passed by.

I'm waiting on the ticks. And at the same time I'm watching, terrified, as they pass me by.

Tick, tick, tick.

Today I received in the mail my "free" copy of a chapbook of poetry for a contest I entered a year ago. This is a copy of the winning chapbook, not my own manuscript. It was something of a let down. About 50 pages, 4x4" and cheaply bound. I understood what "chapbook" meant, but still ... I'm not terribly sad that it isn't my name on the cover of this sad litttle thing. At the same time, it is one more opportunity that I reached for. And I feel good about that. But it's one more that's over. And now I have this sinking feeling, this question of what's next? are you ready for the next thing because you need to be ready, ready NOW!

Tick, tick ...

Ever feel like you're wasting your life away? Well, duh, I think most of us get that sooner or later. But the emotion is presenting itself pretty strong this week. Yes, Paralith said I'm the one who still takes writing "seriously" but who is taking me seriously? What am I doing to convince them that they need to? Why aren't I on the next thing by now?

Sticking with writing is easy for me because it is the one thing that I am good at that doesn't feel like work. I just dump out my mind onto the page and many a day it doesn't even seem like I am in control. *Pointing to today's story as exhibit A.*

I'm turning out 1,000-4,000 words of new fiction every day now. Which is great. Except it is spread over several projects and makes me feel like I'm slowing down the process. That's why I'm hearing the ticking clock bearing down on me. I need to finish some sort of small tangible goal ASAP. Actually, I need to send out three short stories to literary journals. I've decided that is my "tangible" goal for the weekend and I'm procrastinating on it in order to write this post.

Tick ...

Shall we even get into the whole job hunting thing? I think not. I'm making myself nervous enough as it is.

Then there's the "relationship" thing. So there's this "Millionaire Matchmaker" show on Bravo. Which is great to watch because it makes me feel good about all the guys I've dated not being as in need of help as these really rich but genuinely clueless guys. However, the matchmaker-lady spouted off something about "Are you really committed to this idea of falling in love? Because if you don't want it, it's not going to happen. ... Once you open yourself up to the idea the universe rearranges itself."

Part of me was like hey, yeah! What a great way to think about the world! That all it takes is you being truly committed to an idea! This is already a large part of my I will make it! I am a writer! mantra, but when I applied it to myself and a relationship ... nope. Not gonna happen. Still scared shitless.