Grad School: Terror of Terrors, Causer of Crankiness

Contributor: Paralith

I've decided to blame my recent bout of grumpiness on the PhD programs to whom I sent many a hair-pulling hour's worth of work in the form of applications. Last week I was downright mean, as I had come to the realization that I had been telling people ever since the beginning of the year that I expected to start hearing from places around the end of February, and that the end of February was fast approaching sans any of the expected communications. Fortunately, the University of New Mexico came to the rescue of those who have to live and work with me on a daily basis, and granted me acceptance on February 28th.

I was euphorically happy for about two days and now I'm grumpy again. I'm still happy with the U of NM offer of course, but there are still four other programs that have left me in the lurch. I still can't make any final decisions, any final plans. Heck, I'm nervous to even schedule a visit to New Mexico without knowing if I'll also have to schedule visits to other schools. I'm still waiting, and it's driving me bonkers.

For now I'm sating myself by trawling the various online grad app communities, eyes peeled for any mention of my programs. (I won't resort to joining the hordes of people who are likely emailing, calling, and otherwise highly irritating the administrators of their uncommunicative programs - at least, not for another week.) Just looking for mention of the school is no good of course, as every program within the same school has its own specifics of timing. So far I've found no relevant mention save for one person saying they were accepted into my program at Cornell - almost two months ago. I assumed that meant I was rejected, yet - you'd think they would have told me by now. As Speak Coffee quoted of me, I think - I hope - that this must mean my application has at least survived a round or two of culling at my four remaining programs. If nothing else, thinking of it in these terms makes the wait slightly more bearable.

The sad part is, this is really just the beginning of the horror, the tip of the iceberg, if you will, of the graduate school experience. Once I'm in, a whole new world of stress and pressure and worry and self-esteem-wilting opens up. This is to say nothing of the logistical nightmare of moving to a new place that will necessarily precede my graduate education.

One might ask how on earth I and so many others can willingly dive into this process, knowing full well the pain and suffering that are involved. And to be honest, I'm not quite sure either. Part of it is of course thinking about the fun, exciting parts, but that's not enough to get you through the daily grind. Part of it is the resigned acceptance of the fact that this experience is a prerequisite for your career plans and, hopefully, future happiness. Part of it, for me, is flat out denial until the last minute. At this point, I'm not going to waste a single second dwelling on the difficulty that lies ahead. Nope. Not at all. I'll cross that damn bridge once I get there. Just worrying about getting in at all is enough for now.

And for the rest - well - I think you have to be a little bit crazy. Part of you has to want this pain, this suffering, this difficulty, has to want to claw and fight your way through it and in the end come out victorious - bloodied, exhausted, but victorious nonetheless. I think you need at least a little bit of that spirit within you, or you may very well become swamped.

So my fellow monkeys, if it's grad school you want, then swagger right up to that giant beast, bare your teeth, and go for its throat. Besides, if your friends and family truly love you, they'll put up with your crankiness and the occasional growl uttered in the direction of the computer screen while browsing a school's website. And your coworkers - well, if they don't like it, they can work somewhere else.